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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29969400">Life's a Piece of Shit (When You Look At It)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsaoirseronan/pseuds/notsaoirseronan'>notsaoirseronan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Peter Maximoff causing chaos in major american cities [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>WandaVision (TV), X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It of Sorts, I don't even know if we have it in my country, I have no idea how witness protection works, I'm Sorry, Pietro Maximoff has ADHD, Pietro Maximoff is a Little Shit, Pietro and Peter are the same person, The Blip, The Geneva Convention, Witness Protection, like at all, so does the author, the snap, this is complete nonsense</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:00:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,725</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29969400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsaoirseronan/pseuds/notsaoirseronan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Ralph Bohner had actually been Peter? What if he was put into WP because of his dad and he ended up in Westview? What if it was the wrong time and wrong place?</p><p> I'm mad about the WandaVision finale and the fact that we most likely won't see Evan Peters return as Quicksilver in the MCU. So, enjoy my unbetaed, unmedicated bullshit! :)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier (mentioned)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Peter Maximoff causing chaos in major american cities [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2207334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Life's a Piece of Shit (When You Look At It)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This makes no sense timeline-wise. I've barely paid any attention to the few x-men movies I have seen so I'm sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The office was cold. The ancient air conditioning whirred like bagpipes as it chilled the air. Peter was sitting in an uncomfortably stuffed chair. It felt like it had two pieces of yarn on the cushion and the rest was just polyester draped over the chair. <br/>Agent Woo sat on the other side of the desk, finishing the reading of Peter’s files. <br/>“Wow,” He said, closing the dossier gently. “That’s a lot to unpack.” <br/>“Yeah, which part? The war criminal dad or the mutant bit?” He laughed awkwardly, averting his gaze. This wasn’t his favourite situation he’d ever been in. He’d much rather be at home playing video games or messing with his sister.<br/> “All in all, Peter, what I’m going to say won’t be a happy thing, but a necessary one,” Woo took a deep breath.<br/> “We’re putting you in WPP. You’ll be given a new name, a new home and a new identity-”</p><p>Agent Woo continued explaining, but the words fell to deaf ears. Peter couldn’t really understand why. Sure, his dad was a war criminal and such, but he’d stopped that. He’d gotten together with that bald guy with a weird name and kind of retired. Peter highly doubted his dad would recruit him for his new Mutant-supremacy scheme. <br/>“-Since you’re not particularly high-profile, you can add some aspects yourself,” That caught Peter’s attention.<br/> “Can I suggest a name? Not my whole name, but still?”<br/>“Sure, I guess,” Agent Woo looked wary of Peter’s sudden interest. “What were you thinking?”<br/> “Bohner, like for a last name,”<br/> “And how would you spell and pronounce it?”<br/> “B-O-H-N-E-R pronounced like Bawn-er,” Peter said. </p><p><br/>His suggestion went through. His childish, spur-of-the-moment dick joke was now his last name. He was now Ralph Bohner, a college dropout who wants to be a surfer but really sucks at geography. Despite what most people would think, this was a slight improvement from Peter’s old life. He had a decent, pronounceable name, his bills were paid and he lived alone.  Take away the perceived threat of your war criminal dad coming to recruit you and you’ve got a perfect life.<br/>Granted, his job options were limited and he couldn’t draw any large amounts of attention to himself. Which definitely sucked more than the fake identity. Half of Peter’s entertainment came from exclaiming his need for attention. Partly why he’d been moved down to the basement in the first place. </p><p>Westview, NJ was a shithole. Not quite literally but not figuratively either. The people there looked miserable and whoever was in charge of garbage pickup was seriously behind on the schedule. After everyone had been Blipped back, Peter assumed everyone would be happy to reunite with their loved ones. Nope, now the town was just filled with sad and old people who refused to move away because of whatever nostalgic excuse they came with.<br/>The real estate prices were nice, though. Peter had gotten a house in the suburbs, and considering how awful the government was at budgeting, this had to have been dirt cheap. Though to be fair, there was a weird mould in the basement, and Peter wouldn’t touch that part of the house with a ten-foot pole and a gun to his head. </p><p>He really hated mould.</p><p>There was also foundations to a house that was either never built or burned down or something next to his. He just assumed it kept property prices down and went about his business as usual. For the first two weeks, he’d just moped around the house, running as fast as the treadmill could handle, which felt like a snail pace to him. </p><p>He found a job at a coffee shop selling shit coffee for unbelievably high prices. The stoner personality he’d adopted fit right in with the hipsters and the faint playing of underground 70s and 80s music. Or so they claimed, Peter had heard an acoustic version of Sweet Dreams at least three times on his first day. </p><p>But scamming hipsters wasn’t enough entertainment. Sure, it was fun to watch them struggle to pronounce random coffee words as if they were foreign, but if you went as fast as Peter, that whole gig gets exhausting really quick.<br/>So he found a struggling community theatre. They were absolute shit, but Peter had been raised on Monty Python sketches, so shit theatre was near and dear to him. Besides, they were putting on Spamalot and needed someone to play Lancelot. </p><p>By some goddamn miracle, Peter was given the part. The thing about Lancelot in that particular musical is that his full title is Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave. And as one does, Peter drew a lot of inspiration from his dear father who hadn’t read the Geneva Convention.<br/>His costars praised him for how insane he could act, especially considering how chill he was offstage. The guy who played King Arthur, Brian, had asked him for weed once. That made Peter want to reconsider the whole vibe that he’d chosen. No offence to stoners and stuff, but he’d gone more for the 90s surfer vibe.</p><p>Not realising they’re essentially interchangeable. </p><p>He’d really dug himself a grave with that one. </p><p>Thankfully, or not, depending on how you see it, a redhead in serious need of therapy took the entire town hostage in her pseudo-therapeutic sitcom world. For some reason, he wasn’t as deeply under the spell as the rest and instead of being a puppet, it felt like the world’s worst acid trip. He had a wife now, so that was pretty cool. Except for the whole “unhappily married couple next door” trope. That wasn’t very fun. Not that he knew much about it. All he knew was that he had a wife named Agnes and whilst they didn’t love each other a lot, they stayed together because of divorce laws in the 1950s.  Whenever she was home, they had a silent, robotic routine for meals and then it was time for bed.</p><p>Thankfully, he was given a speaking part soon enough. He got to play Wanda’s distant twin brother Pietro. <em>Hey, didn’t he use to have a twin sister named Wanda? And wasn’t his birth name Pietro, but it was changed because of good ol’ fashioned American lack of knowledge about Europe?</em> Peter was glad to finally be able to somewhat express emotions. Even if those were fake emotions put in his head by some unseen force.</p><p>Fun stuff!</p><p>Peter enjoyed being the fun uncle, still having his superspeed, he liked messing around with the twins, despite not knowing which one was which. He also liked being slightly more self-aware than everyone else, which threw Wanda off her rhythm quite a bit. She most likely assumed everyone was in a trance-like state and that Peter was just some outsider.<br/>To be fair, he was. <br/>Oh shit, his dad and his dad’s boyfriend might’ve been onto something. Maybe, in addition to their powers, mutants would also be harder to put under mind control. </p><p>He felt smart. But of course, one moment of intelligence equals roughly a year of stupidity. Peter pointed out the abundance of never-before-seen kids and got thrown into a hay bale as punishment. And he wasn’t around for a while, not until he felt the need to scare the lady staring into his basement. <br/>Wow, she had blue eyes. Not even like strikingly blue eyes, but like, the entire eyeball glowed blue.</p><p>His room was the entirety of the attic, Agnes had moved him upstairs so she could use the other three floors for “planning” Maybe he should’ve realised she was actually an evil witch a lot sooner. Monica sat down on his couch thingy and started looking through his stuff. She pulled out a file.<br/>“You’re-” She paused, staring at the photo in disbelief. “You’re Ralph Bohner?” Peter giggled, not having heard it for three months does change your perspective.<br/>“Heh, boner,” Peter returned his attention to his smoothie.<br/>“Hey, what’s this file? Looks very official,” She opened it and stared at the documents.<br/>  “Maximoff?”<br/>“Technically, yes. But I can explain,” He paused, staring at her. “Thought you were going to fight me on this but sure. I am technically Pietro Maximoff, that’s my birth name and stuff, I have his powers and all that jazz. But I’m Peter Maximoff, my dad is technically a war criminal and despite him retiring with his boyfriend to run a school, I’m in WP in case he tries to recruit me,”</p><p>Monica looked shocked, but she was handling it fairly well. But, nothing gold can stay. And in true superhero fashion, they got an instinct that shit was going down in the town square. </p><p>Wanda and Agnes (Agatha? Who knew at this point) were floating in circles around each other. All of the townspeople were unconscious on the ground. A quick check told Peter that they were all okay and he turned his attention to the armoured cars and people surrounding the situation.</p><p>Being Magneto’s son doesn’t automatically mean that you inherit all of his opinions, but Peter did share a dislike for law enforcement with his strange estranged father. So, like any sane person with superspeed would do, he made sure they would have as little control over the situation as possible. He replaced the bullets with paintballs, he moved people around in various degrees of distance from the situation. He found Hayward, punched him and hanged him from a lamp post by his underwear. </p><p>As one does.</p><p>There was also a big thing between Wanda and Agatha, but Peter didn’t know enough about the situation to describe it, even in the third person. <br/>After the fight, though, Peter did run into Agent Woo, who remarked on his fantastic acting skills as “Uncle P”<br/>“Oh, I thought you meant me as Lancelot in Spamalot,” Peter said sarcastically. Though, not sarcastically enough.<br/> “Peter, you’re not supposed to draw attention to yourself. Lay low, y’know?”<br/> “Agent Woo, have you ever met a theatre kid? They’re the worst. If someone says the words ‘community theatre’ I wanna kill myself and don’t care as much about the person. Besides, I got really bored making fun of hipsters,”</p><p>Woo tried to come back with a retort and found it made sense. <br/> “Okay, but next time, we’re sending you to LA. What bad can happen there?”</p><p>Fin.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Congratulations, you made it to the end. Here's your prize:</p><p>I'm very sorry for the fact that you read this. You read the 1.7k words that I wrote because I saw a rumour on Twitter and hyperfocus started working. I'm sorry but I'm also very proud of you.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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